An amazing exchange from a parent and (unrelated) donor on the Donor Sibling Registry Yahoo Group that I received permission to share here:

From a parent:
There are a few donors on this board who I’ve come to admire and
respect and I’m hoping you will step forward and answer a question
that I have been pondering for some time. My 13 year old son and his
donor met and became fast friends back in June of this year. They
share many of the same likes/dislikes, have many of the same
personality traits/tendencies and truthfully, look more alike than
most fathers/sons do. My son had often wondered who he looked like,
and only had to look in the face of his biological father to have that
question answered. My husband and I both agree, that they most
definitely have what we refer to as a “cosmic connection”. And no, my
husband has never felt “threatened” by our son’s relationship with his
biological father. Just thought I’d throw that in because I’m sure
some of you are wondering about that.

I must admit to questioning though, why there are donors who, like
ours, want to become part of their biological offspring’s lives. If
there are any donors out there who would be willing to answer this
question, I would very much appreciate it. Thank you

A donor replies:

Speaking for myself, I probably have several reasons for wanting to
make contact. I think first and foremost was just plain and simple
curiosity. I think it’s kind of a guy thing. We tend to want to see
how we measure up. When a little boy puts wood and cinder block
together for the first time to make a ramp, and then finally musters
up the courage to hurtle himself over it on his bike in front of his
friends, the first thing he wants to know when he lands is how far
he jumped…

I guess there was a degree or altruism from the start though. I
mean, yes, I was in college, and I liked the extra cash, but after a
while, when I really thought about what I was doing, I kind of felt
good. And that was the start of my initial curiosity. The real
altruism came later when I got married and became a father myself.
Children change our lives. It was at that point that I could really
understand how important it was for people who were having problems,
to be able to become parents for the first time.

After that, I would call the donor clinic where I had been a donor
years ago to let them know about my own children, and how they were
doing, on the outside chance that one of my donor children’s parents
might want to be able to gauge how their child was doing. It was at
the point of parenthood for myself, long after the money was gone,
that the whole meaning of what it was to be a parent made sense.

I want all my genetic offspring to be happy and healthy like my own
children. I will always love them and wonder were they are, what
they are doing, are they living, learning and experiencing life like
me and my own children? I hope that they are bringing the same joy
to the lives of all the mothers and dads the same way my life has
been enriched by my own children. We are, and will always be,
connected. Some of them will become equally as curious as I was some
day, and want to know more. I think we owe it to them to let them
learn.

I admire your husband. He is obviously a secure man who has no
worries. That comes from providing a child with a “home” full of
love, care and respect. He has no problem because he knows that he
is, and will always be, Daddy…this other guy might be the father,
but it’s Daddy who makes the difference in a child’s life. In the
same fashion, the child will always, only ever be, a genetic
offspring, and that’s the way it should stay.

I don’t have a problem making a connection (I just made my first a
couple weeks ago), but it needs to be done correctly, and for God’s
sake, all you other mom’s thinking about this need to know that it
needs to be done in an open and positive manner. Children look to us
to know how to react to any situation that they are unfamiliar with.
Be safe, but if you decide to make a connection, be positive, open
and honest at all times.

So, in answer to your question, I think there are many reasons a
donor father might want to get involved with a genetic offspring. I
think though that those reasons change over time as we grow older
and wiser.

Hi DSR Parents of Teens (and any other Donor Conceived who would like to participate)!

The DSR, in collaboration with Cambridge University, has launched the second phase in a very important research project on the DSR website, and we are hoping that your teen (between the ages of 13-18) will participate. We are very interested in hearing from your teen, whether they have matched, or are still waiting. We are very excited about this research because it is a groundbreaking and pioneering investigation of what it means for people born of donor conception (as well as the donors themselves) to search for family members with whom they have had no previous contact. We have had almost 1000 members (over the age of 18) of the Donor Sibling Registry already take part in this study and are very excited to now be able to include the teenagers. We would like to find out about your teen’s thoughts and feelings about donor conception and their experiences of using the DSR website.

Your child will only be able to participate with parental consent. If you choose to allow your child to take part in the survey, please either provide your child with your user log-in or log in to the site for them. Teens can only take part if parents have given permission to access the survey. Teens will be required to tick a box stating that they have gained parental consent to take part in the survey. The survey will be available starting Tuesday December 18th.

The questionnaire can be completed anonymously and all responses will be confidential. Once logged into the www.donorsiblingregistry.com site, you can access the link from the Cambridge Research Box. The survey will take a half hour or so. Make sure to give your teen enough time because if they can’t finish, they all have start from the beginning again when they do come back.

Please note: you can take the questionnaire whether you are a paying or non paying member. You’ll just need to sign in with your username and password. (Although it would be great if you could support the DSR!)

Thanks so much, it’s so important that you all participate. Again, for those over 18 who missed the survey the first time around, please have your voice heard.

Wendy

Dear Wendy,

I’m not sure if there is a way to alert DSR members but Fairfax Cryobank has
a communication problem with its parents of ID Consent Donors. After the
birth of a child using this program, parents must register the child with
Fairfax using a form referenced in its Patient Consent Agreement in order
for the child to be eligible to contact the donor through the sperm bank in
the future. However, parents are not provided the form when the sperm is
ordered.

Fairfax does not respond to email requests for registration assistance or
email registration attempts, and phone calls to Fairfax have misdirected
parents to the pregnancy reporting form on the website. I have just learned
today that the only way for parents to register their children is to call
Fairfax and request the “required registration form for the Future
Connections program” be mailed to them — they have to request the form by
name or they will be directed to the website to fill out the pregnancy
reporting form, which is not the same thing. But the parents would not
necessarily know this because nothing on the pregnancy reporting form
indicates that it is not the right form for the Future Connections program.
It does allow a live birth report.

This is going to be a nightmare in a couple of decades when many kids find
out that Fairfax ignored or misdirected parents’ registrations of their
children for this program. There will be litigation if they deny access on
this basis.

I have conveyed this to Fairfax customer service and will send a hard copy
of this email to Fairfax too.

Thanks for such a wonderful website.