Every year, in the UK, about 2,700 people have treatment with the help of a donor, according to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority. And yet the UK’s Donor Conception Network (DCN), the UK’s main support organisation, says it has known only “a handful” of cases where British families are in contact from early in the child’s life. The 70,000 members of the Donor Sibling Registry come from 135 countries, and include about 1,000 UK families. “We created the DSR so parents, donors and offspring could make mutual consent contact,” says founder Wendy Kramer, herself the mother of a donor-conceived son. “And there are many good reasons – medical and psychological – to connect while children are young.” Sperm banks, Kramer says, can’t be relied on to notify recipient families about medical issues, which could be vital information for offspring. She adds: “It’s also an innate human desire to want to know where and who we come from; it helps with identity formation.”

"My kids' half-sibling group is close to 100, and we've already had a few kids cross paths randomly — but this one takes the cake! My (gay) daughter recently matched with a half-sister on Tinder! Luckily the other girl had recently learned she was donor-conceived and had connected with our group. The two girls had a bit of a laugh about it in their Tinder text exchange, but this situation illustrates the importance of TELLING your kids about their donor conception and TALKING about the possibility of encountering half-sibs out in the world."

"Today, I came across this amazing website, and what was a normal evening doing my work at the computer at night turned out to be a day that will change my and my little boy's life forever. I came to find out that my little one has a half-sister. In fact, I cannot wait to complete this preliminary profile here so I can do my initial posting and pay for the permanent subscription. I now have so much hope thinking that what was seemingly such a hard thing to achieve can be after all so easy if the donor and the other families are willing to get to know us. This website is a great platform, an immense help to those that are so keen to find their roots and/or their offspring."

Tales of sperm banks and donor-related families usually focus on the kids or the donor himself. But what about the mothers? 

by Meredyth Capasso

"I am thrilled to say that my daughter has been talking and texting to her paternal grandfather via messenger for hours this afternoon. He is providing family tree information, her father's information, and welcoming her into the entire family. They found us through Wendy and the DSR. My daughter's brother is one of two families who were matched on Ancestry, but they didn’t receive a message (junk) and she says the system is quite complicated they had no idea it was this close. I was able to reach them and they also connected today. Thank you Wendy, you made 2 children from 2 different families very complete today. They are looking forward to meeting their father, siblings, paternal grandparents, aunts, and uncles soon."

by Meredyth Capasso
"If you are the parents of a donor-conceived child, I urge you to tell that child about his or her conception early and often. Celebrate that birth story! Whether we like it or not, the age of secrecy, and anonymity is over. Between the Donor Sibling Registry and at-home DNA kits, increasing numbers of donor-conceived children and adults are finding their donor siblings — and their donors — every day. With a simple swab of a cheek, you can get your DNA and upload it onto sites for the fun of finding out your ethnic makeup ... only to get a message from another person saying, 'Hello, we’re a genetic match — I’m your half sister.' Or 'I’m your son.' For those who know nothing of their true genetic origins, that news can be devastating."

People often don't understand why 40, 75, or 100 kids for a single donor might be problematic. This perspective from a donor's wife (and former egg donor) needs to be included in that conversation.

"My husband told me on our first date that he was a sperm donor. I asked him if any children had been born, and he said the clinic wouldn't share that information with him.

Seven years into our marriage, we agreed to the clinic's request for pictures and medical information for the very reason of giving kids who came forward a sense of coming from someone — not a vial. We graciously opened our lives as we recognized the psychological needs of others. The clinic still would not share how many children there were. I would also like to point out that at this point my husband could have asked to remain an anonymous donor — that would have been his right — but he/we didn't. Yes, he said he would be open to contact if the child showed interest in meeting him — because we had children of our own at that time and could understand why knowing the person who contributed might prove healing. Again, he was thinking of the donor-conceived kids. Up to this point, we were both operating under the false assumption that it would be a handful of kids. Help me understand what 'moral responsibility' my husband or I failed to recognize.

Three years after providing the pictures and medical information, a dozen and a half come forward. Today, there are now 40 (that we know of). Over two dozen of those were born before the birth of our first child. When we agreed that my husband would be open to meeting children who came forward, this is how we thought that would play out based on what we were told by the clinic: Child/parents/family would contact the clinic expressing a desire to meet their donor. Clinic would contact us to see if we were comfortable with that. After three, maybe four, we could have decided that was enough and would not welcome further contact from any additional offspring. We would have been able to control the impact this had on our lives. But it didn't happen that way at all. Social media, person searches, and genetic testing companies have made boundaries and protection of privacy virtually non-existent.

My husband wasn't 'shirking any duties.' He didn't 'forget he was a sperm donor.' He didn't donate for 'easy money' as one poster suggested, and he absolutely thought about his actions. And I am not 'jealous.' He did not bring the donor-conceived into the world. He brought our four children into the world. He stood by my side as I birthed each one of them. The families of the donor-conceived are the ones who brought their children into the world. Let's not muddy this important distinction — that we create our children with intent and love, that sometimes assistance is needed to make that happen, but as parents, we bring our children into being. From their first breath, we belong to our children and our children belong to us. Our children absolutely do not matter more as people, but they matter more TO US and their emotional health is more important TO US because they came from my body and were created out of our love. Wouldn't any one of you say the same thing ... that your children rise above all others for one reason — you carried them, you raised them, you protect them? Who would we save first in a burning building? Exactly. Our own. But I guess in our case, I am made to believe that if my husband's forty-four biological offspring were in that burning house, he would be expected to simply choose a child at random for they are all the same, right? They are all his biological offspring so he should treat them all the same. That is what is being asked of me, of us, of our children. Does anyone see the hurt and pain here?

Please don't blame this completely life-changing event on the fact that my husband donated, and as such, he should have been prepared. Please don't tell me, that by marrying him, I agreed to let any and all families into our lives. Or that my children's needs don't count or are overshadowed by those of the donor-conceived because our kids got to live with their 'bio-dad' all these years and the donor-conceived didn't get to. We should not be made to feel guilty or indebted because we made our family a different way, and that yes, four people have the privilege of calling him dad or daddy. (We never refer to him as our kids' bio-dad.)

As far as what number is acceptable, what would it be for you? Five? Ten? Twenty? Thirty? More than that? What difference does it make what the donor's family feels comfortable with? We weren't told how many births had happened. We didn't control that number; the clinic did. And I agree with the poster who suggested this clearly demonstrates the need for regulation and more education for all parties.

Nobody is saying donor-conceived people don't matter. I am saying that the best we can do with so many varying needs and wants in the sperm donation community is to respect each other and support each other to the extent that we are able. My experience is my experience. You haven't lived it, so how can anyone pretend to know what learning of 40 offspring has been like for our family? And on the flip side, how can I possibly begin to understand what it feels like to grow up without that sense of coming from an actual person? I think we can all agree that the starting point is changing the process of sperm donation. So let's do that rather than pummeling each other in posts, placing blame where it shouldn't be, and making statements about families and people we know next to nothing about. We have the numbers to make change. Until the industry changes, stories like ours will continue to happen and some donor-conceived individuals will continue to be met with rejection and silence.

On an ending note, stories of poorly mismanaged sperm banks will continue to come forward. At what point will enough experiences and opinions be shared that men no longer want to put themselves in these complex and sticky circumstances because they don't want to deal with what other families have gone through? There will come a time at which monetary compensation for the donor will not be adequate for giving away total lack of privacy for the rest of their lives. How much money does my husband deserve for all the hurt feelings this situation has caused us over the years? And how sad will it be when a single woman or a couple who wants to have a baby can't because men no longer donate?

Thank you to those who expressed empathy and understanding. Thank you for sharing your feelings when finding out your daughter had four half-sibs. Shock, anger, betrayal, and bewilderment were your words. And she conceived with donor sperm. The fact that this woman could relate to these feelings when she herself carried a donor-conceived child warmed my heart. It tells me that our two sides of this situation are not that far apart. There is a chance to work together to bring about change ... for everyone.

And here's a little something for thought ... when I donated eggs after we were married, I was required to provide an extensive medical background and pictures even before the process could begin. The recipient was also required to write a letter of appreciation, thanking me for my donation. It was a symbolic way of recognizing that what had once been mine was now hers. I understand when a man donates, there are millions of sperm, and when a woman donates, there might be twelve eggs. But I don't see why the same standards don't apply. I still have that letter. My recipient has never reached out, and the clinic shared that there was more than one birth. But if she did want to reach out, she would be required to do it through the clinic as she signed a contract to that nature. So clearly I don't have a problem with the fact my husband donated. I have a problem with the numbers we were forced to digest, after the fact, and the complete lack of oversight on the part of the clinic to address boundaries in a more organized way. I am not disrespecting the 40 children. I am disrespecting the government and state bodies that think assisted reproduction is a business rather than the art of bringing families into being, and time and time again, operate without any regard for the humanity behind it all.

So let's show them that there is no doubt — our families matter."

"I have to express even more thanks from the bottom of my heart, to you and your son for creating and maintaining the DSR. I can't begin to tell you what good you have done for my son, for me, and for the sibling families with whom we now share an extraordinary bond and friendship."

"My daughter has always had some curiosity about her donor, but not having knowledge has not affected her life as a child. But now, as a young adult, she has been more than curious. With 2 half-sisters coming into her life, she is more interested in knowing where they all came from ... what ties them together. And she wants to know if those parts of her that are decidedly not ME are from him. THE MAN who donated.

If you have the important talk with your donor-conceived child early enough, you might tell them there was "a nice man" who helped mommy have a baby. So there's always the idea of a nice man somewhere who has something to do with your being born.

I am sure most donors back in the 90s did not imagine a DNA path to their identity. Without that key, they was only a tiny chance of finding anyone. But they had to realize that there would be children out there with questions, who only existed because of their donation. Maybe they only donated knowing they would never be contacted. Maybe they had no picture in their mind of their donation becoming flesh and blood. THEIR blood.

I have thought a lot in the past 19 years, about the mind of the donor. As a mother, I DID see his specimen as more than a vial. I saw it as a person, and knew there was more to him than what was written on the papers, or said on the audiotape. Maybe the whole industry has to focus on the personal aspect of donating, and make it less of a clinical scientific solution to a medical need. We might lose some donors, but we may gain a lot more in the way of honesty, acceptance, openness, and recognition."

One sperm donor, 18 kids.

Donor Todd Whitehurst met up with several of his offspring. He was a sperm donor while in graduate school at Stanford, and now many of his kids are college-age themselves. "People who are ultimately desperate to go to a sperm bank, want kids badly. They've gone through a lot of trouble, a lot of effort, a lot of paperwork and expense, and you know they are going love those kids and take care of them. And I thought, 'Why wouldn't I want to help families like that'," said donor Whitehurst.

"My advice: tell them as early as possible and make it normal for them. There are a lot of nontraditional families and there always have been. This is just one more. Don't make it out to be something strange or shameful. Telling them later, in my opinion, is more damaging because of a long-established sense of identity. Finding out at 29 really turned my world upside down. I think, for some, there's an idea that the sperm that was donated is an irrelevant part of the family's tapestry but that's really just denial of the truth. It's not just a single cell. It's medical history, ancestry, appearance, mannerisms, disconnected and unknown family. That cell carries a lot of baggage with it. The simple fact is that genes matter to a lot of people. They don't matter exclusively but they matter. This might be tough for non-bio parents to hear but I think the non-bio parents need to accept the choice they entered into and be open and honest with the child. In the end, it will lead to a closer relationship. By not saying anything you risk deep resentment from the child if/when they find out. It also allows you to control the narrative."

"My daughter Kiana was conceived with a donor. I have always told her about why she doesn't have a dad, as she noticed at around 3 that other kids had dads and she didn't. I explained that her dad was a special man who loved her, a long way away in America (she thinks that's cool) and that she was made with 'magical baby stuff' that got mixed with mummy's eggs to make her. She knows that 2 embryos were implanted and she was the result."

Marcia with her donor-conceived son. "It never occurred to me NOT to tell Bryan (I practiced the 'script' with him from the first day home from the hospital)."

(written by a DSR mom)
"That was the day I learned about the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR), an online resource for donor offspring, parents of donor offspring and donors themselves. As soon as I finished reading the article, I walked toward my computer. Eddie was outside shoveling snow. One tentative click, and I was on the site. I entered the name of the sperm bank and the number of our donor. Part of me hoped Number 11 had also read the article, had walked over to his computer, taken a great, trembling breath and revealed who he was. “Happy Mother” had apparently just put down her copy of the New York Times and added Number 11 to the registry, sharing a donor profile that was identical to the one we had. She noted that her donor-conceived son was 12 years old, and she was looking for possible half-siblings. I could hear the scraping of Eddie’s shovel on the sidewalk. I could hear a song by Phish drifting from Max’s bedroom. I tried to keep my hands from shaking as I began to type. Hello! I am Photo Mom."

"There's a thing called the Donor Sibling Registry, and you can register with your code and share notes and ask things like 'Anyone else suffering from hay fever?' Luckily, most of the other donor families are in the US — all except for one family, who I literally bumped into at the supermarket down the street from my house ... You can put pictures on the website. But yeah, I'm 20 yards from my front door at Waitrose, and this woman comes up to me and says, 'Are you Maggie?' It turned out that she lived two blocks down from me, and at one point her child was scheduled to go to the same school as mine, in the same class even..."

A story about donor Mike Rubino's DSR connections, including amazing portraits that he's created of his donor kids.

"One sperm donor, two grandparents, two toddlers and an ex-boyfriend/nanny/uncle. How one single mother redefined 'family.'"

Mom Locates Son’s Half-Siblings with Online Sperm Donor Registry Site and Sperm donor mum tracks down her son's 'global family' as she goes online to find six-year-old's 11 lookalike siblings

The process of defining family, when donor conception is involved.

A compilation of writings and quotes from parents, donors, and donor-conceived adults.

A 53-year-old donor-conceived man tells his story.

Paul gives an eloquent and heartwarming perspective from a former donor.

David tells about connecting with a donor daughter.

Wendy Kramer recounts her son Ryan’s experience meeting Anna, his half-sibling.

Wendy and Ryan along with Ryan's half-sister Jami.

Julia always knew her mums used a sperm donor. She didn’t know that meant she had 19 siblings — until now.

Many Canadian donor-conceived kids turn to the Donor Sibling Registry to connect with half-siblings. "Now the online resource boasts more than 51,000 members and claims to have helped unite more than 13,000 half-siblings and donors. [Wendy] Kramer said the website has become an essential resource for children conceived through sperm donation around the world. The site is managed and operated with the help of membership fees. 'For Canadians, I think it's really important to be on the Donor Sibling Registry, as that's the one point of contact,' Kramer said. 'U.S. sperm banks ... claim on their websites that they ship to 40, 50, 60 countries around the world.' Kramer said she's tried to get government agencies to pay attention. 'We've gone everywhere and asked for help. We've gone to senators, legislators, the National Institutes of Health. We've gone to the Surgeon General, U.S. Federal Drug Administration, everywhere. And nobody wants to help.'"

Wendy Kramer and her son Ryan started the Donor Sibling Registry after Ryan began asking questions about his origin.

Watch a donor connect with several donor children!

Wendy Kramer talks about the DSR, who we are and why we do what we do, and what we have learned over the years, as well as issues with regard to moving the industry forward in a more ethical and responsible manner, and how to create healthy and happy families.

An MTV six-part series documenting the journey of Breeanna, a 17-year-old only child, connecting with many of the 15 half-siblings she met on the Donor Sibling Registry. Watch the DSR's Ryan Kramer walk Bree and half-brother Jesse through the steps to possibly locate their biological father. Order Generation Cryo on Amazon.

Two donor-conceived boys inherited a potentially fatal aortic defect from their donor. This video is a photo montage of their first meeting and subsequent photoshoot for an article.

What happens when donor agreements break down? Professor Carol Smart from the University of Manchester informs viewers about her research on lesbians who have conceived using a known donor. She discusses the sociological and (British) legal factors that come into play.

We worked very hard to make this DSR documentary a thoughtful and thought-provoking show. We hope that viewers will be able to consider the perspectives of the offspring, the donors, the parents, the grandparents, and the partners of the donors. We hope that people can understand why meeting a half-sister might be important to a donor-conceived person. As we all redefine family on the DSR, it's important that those embarking on creating their family in this way, as well the industry, and the public, consider and ponder the issues about how families are redefined through using donor conception. This show was nominated for an Emmy in 2011.

(sorry, link is broken)
A New Zealand couple donated their frozen embryo to another couple and have now been denied contact with the child.

Wendy's monthly Psychology Today articles tackle all donor family issues.

"The longitudinal research that I and my colleagues conducted at the University of Cambridge Centre for Family Research has shown that children born to heterosexual couples through assisted reproduction show high levels of psychological well-being, and that children benefit from being told about their origins at an early age. Our more recent studies on families with gay fathers who adopt or turn to surrogacy, families created by single mothers by choice, and families with transgender parents have produced similar findings. Contrary to the expectation that they would experience problems, we found that these families are just as likely to flourish as traditional families, and sometimes more so."

"Child psychologists agree that while keeping quiet may eliminate a problem in the short term, it creates far greater and longer-lasting ones later. 'It can damage trust between family members,' explains Wendy Kramer, director of Donor Sibling Registry, a worldwide nonprofit organization that supports and educates donor-conceived people. 'Some donor-conceived people who found out (or who were told) later in life say that they always felt different within their families. Not only in regard to physical characteristics, but also with academics, talents, interests, temperament, and even with some personality traits, like being outgoing, funny, or introverted. In the studies that have been completed with donor-conceived children, many reported a powerful sense that some valuable information was being withheld from them.'"

by Kris Probasco, LCSW, LSCSW and Megan Fabian, B.A.
Some practical tips for talking to your child about the nature of their conception.

by Naomi Cahn
This article argues for the creation of a gamete database in the United States, to track the donations and resulting offspring, and to end anonymity in the process.

by John Burger
This article approaches the redefinition of family largely from the offspring perspective. In addition, there is discussion about the Church's perspective, and the future of Assisted Reproductive Technology.

A guide from the DSR, "designed to help take the shame, secrecy, and fear out of talking to your child" about their origins.

by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
An article drawing parallels between the evolution in what has been considered best practice for disclosure regarding adoption, and the process for parents talking to their donor-conceived children.

by Ken Daniels
This piece discusses the research looking at the evolution of attitudes (especially of secrecy and shame) towards talking about donor-conception from the point of view of doctors, donors, recipient families, and offspring.

by Wendy Kramer
A note from Wendy summarizing the reports she gets from non-biological parents about their reluctance in disclosing the facts of donor-conception to their children.