As someone inveterately curious about people’s lives, I hit “pay dirt” recently. Not only did I get to hear a family story in some detail, but it was not “just any” family story. My “pay dirt” took me to a series of interviews with Wendy Kramer. I had the incredible pleasure of hearing about her experiences as a mom helping her son, Ryan, find his people. As the search unfolded, it was clear that these were Wendy’s people as well. Here is a bit about why we had the interviews and how they worked.

First the why ... For many years the DSR website has received and shared family stories of search, connection, kinship redefined. Countless stories have been offered, but one has remained largely in the background. I know that as a board member and reader of the book Finding Our Families: A First-of-Its-Kind Book For Donor Conceived People and Their Families, I knew bits and pieces of Wendy and Ryan’s story, but I had no sense of a timeline, of how much — if at all — the website assisted Ryan in his personal search, about what — if any — relationships Ryan had with genetic siblings, his donor, extended family. There were pieces of information but I had lots of questions. Admittedly, I’m a family story junkie, but in this instance, I was pretty sure I was not alone in my curiosity. From my perspective, this was a story worth telling and long overdue.

Now the how ... This was the fun part! I don’t watch TV, but have heard from so many others of the thrill of moving from episode to episode of an exciting and engaging series. Who among us has not known — or been — someone tethered to Mad Men or Orange is the New Black. Over the course of five or six weeks, I had my own thrill of going episode to episode: for me it was the Wendy and Ryan story.

I suppose that Wendy and I could have covered the Kramers’ story in one long, intense phone call but that wouldn’t have worked for me. Instead I needed to take each episode in, write it up, marinate on what I’d learned and then move on. It was clear that each twist and turn in Ryan and Wendy’s journey taught them new lessons about family and that these lessons were well worth passing on to others. I wanted to not only hear this fascinating story but to make sense of it. And so it was to this end that Wendy and I spoke once each week for about an hour over a five-week span. I remember looking forward to each call, eager to find out “what happened next” and how it was all unfolding.

Our conversations continued until the story was current and there was nothing more to tell — at least not yet. Hopefully Wendy will share new chapters in their story as they unfold and I will have the opportunity — I hope — to add them to the narrative you will see on the DSR website. For now, I hope that you will find Finding Our People as moving and compelling as I did. It more than satisfied this family story junkie.

—Ellen Glazer, November 2016

When people come to me for “donor counseling,” I begin by asking them what would be helpful. Almost always, the response is the same, “We’re wondering what would be a good age to tell our future child about the donor?” This wording, their tone and accompanying facial expressions all tell me that these future parents are frightened. Much as they long for a successful pregnancy, they fear that it will be followed — at some point — by difficult and painful conversations with their child.

In an earlier DSR blog I tried to turn this fear on its head and suggest that conversations with donor-conceived children offer wonderful opportunities for proud storytelling. But when does that storytelling begin? And how do parents begin the conversation? My advice is pretty consistent and shared — I think — by others experienced with donor conception. Tell early. Tell naturally. Tell before your child can begin to understand.

There are several reasons why telling early makes sense. Here are a few “top liners”...

There will be no “moment of telling.” If you talk with your child openly and naturally from the time they are an infant, you avoid the burdens that come with a “moment of telling.” Your child will grow up with this knowledge and it will be woven into their identity from a young age. And if you speak joyfully and with pride, as I have suggested in my Storytelling blog, your child’s feelings about this information will mirror your happiness. I’d expect something like this to go through their little mind, “My parents look and sound so happy when they talk about how I was born. I can tell I made them happy.” Another reason for telling early relates to storytelling. If you subscribe to my “proud storytellers” outlook, then you will want to tell the story in its entirety from the start. The story begins long before your child was conceived, let alone born. It begins in your own family and if you have a partner, in their family and in your union. It is all one story and now you are weaving the donor into it. Children love to hear stories and they especially enjoy stories about themselves. You will be treating them to even more — stories about you and your families. Your early conversations will begin to root them in your families and shared history.

Next, let’s focus on your feelings: it’s simply easier and more comfortable to begin the conversation when your child is too young to understand. Many parents call it “practice time.” They appreciate being able to separate their own lingering feelings of loss and disappointment from their child’s experience, reminding themselves that for their child, donor conception is in no way associated with negative feelings. This practice time helps many parents rid themselves of their own negativity and move, more securely and authentically, to a place of confidence and pride.

Finally, telling early avoids any risks of procrastination. You might ask, ”Does it really matter whether we tell our child at 6 months or at 18 months?” If the goal is to have a child who “always knew,” you can — I think — safely tell them anytime up to 2 or 3 years of age. The problem, I’ve found, is that once a child is verbal, parents who have yet begun conversations, are prone to delay telling. Some rationalize it, saying to themselves, “This is not a good time.” Others simply avoid the subject. “We just keep forgetting,” they may say.

Telling early should not be confused with telling often. Just as there are parents who avoid, delay, deny, there are others who over-emphasize. Since one of the reasons for telling early is that you don’t want your child to feel different — at least not in a negative way — you don’t want to talk about it to the point of magnifying differences. Children will surely pick up on this. A parent who perseverates about donor conception can generate self-esteem issues as significant as one who waits until a child is much older to tell.

Babies babble. Parents can babble too. Babies gurgle and coo. Parents can gurgle and coo too. My best advice is to join your child when they are still a baby. Yes, it may sound at the start like foolish babbling but clear communication will take shape over time. Before it does, you will be building your self-confidence, rooting your child in their proud history and setting the stage for a lifetime of open, honest conversations about matters big and small.

For those of you who used California Cryobank, and wonder why your donor hasn’t yet registered on the DSR, here’s a possible reason why: A former California Cryobank donor just emailed me about what CCB had just told him about the DSR. He said, “They were quite strong in their position that I should NOT register [on the DSR] because there are likely errors with people putting wrong donor ID, or even fakes ... so that if I register, CCB says there’s more than a slim chance I’d be reaching out or opening up to people not really offspring of mine.” If you used CCB or are a CCB offspring, I encourage you to let CCB know how you feel about them discouraging donors from posting and connecting on the DSR.

This from the sperm bank that has been known to delete urgent medical information from a donor's profile? They are the ones who have acted unethical and irresponsible. Not just my personal experience, but check out the user comments for CCB on our Which Sperm Bank page of the DSR.

We have been operating since 2000, long before CCB ever thought about having a registry. We spend many thousands of dollars each year to maintain and protect our website and our members’ privacy. We have successfully connected more than 13,200 people, and just this week hit 50,000 members. In all that time, and through all those members, we had one single donor impostor, a couple of years ago. I caught him within the first 24 hours. Certainly not worthy of negating our 16 years of hard work and thousands of successful connections!