Here is something else to ponder…we are seeing sibling groups with
wide age gaps in age, one group has kids listed that are 19 years
apart, one just posted today with kids 12 years apart.

When will banks start taking sperm off the market that was donated in
the 80’s or 90’s? How would this affect the kids being born and the
donors who could be very old by the time offspring try and contact them?

I think that sperm banks should be telling prospective buyers when the
first kids were born from their donor. Oh, right….they do not
necessarily know, as they do not keep accurate records.

Also, families that buy multiple vials can also store the sperm
indefinitely. What if a future relative wanted to use the sperm…oy,
the implications are pretty weird.

As most of you know, the sperm banks are unaware of exactly how many kids are born from any given donor. (Estimates are that only 40% of women report back on their live births). We have quite a few very large groups of half siblings listed on the DSR. In my conversations with the sperm banking industry, it’s become to clear to me that they have no clue as to why this might be an issue for families. One sperm bank director said to me, after I mentioned that one donor had more than 100 offspring that we knew of, “I don’t see what the issue is, as long as they do not live in the same geographic area…”.

Can any of you who are in larger groups share your experiences? I know that all the larger groups are mostly made up of children under the age of 5, so it will be while before we can hear from the donor conceived as to what these numbers mean to them, but any parents willing to share their perspectives on this? (Many in the larger groups have actually removed their information from the DSR.)

One issue that I am acutely aware of is that the larger the group, the  less likely the donor is to make contact. We have had donors come and join the DSR, make contact with a few offspring, and then remove their information because they could not deal with the growing number of offspring. (For one group, a donor actually removed his information at the insistence of one of the moms, who didn’t want any more families in their “group”.) So basically for these kids, it can become a “first come, first serve” type of situation.

Knowing that many of these kids will indeed be interested to know their donors, this is an inherent problem then, as the kids in the larger groups have a much lower chance of ever connecting with their donors.

A few other issues that I can think of: The larger the group, the harder it is to share important medical information. In fact, if not for the DSR, families who use the same donor would not be able to share medical information at all. For the donor conceived children of the 90% of heterosexual couples who never tell their children the truth, the more children out there, the more possibility of dating a half sibling.

I have had quite a few people join the DSR this week with notes saying
that they are not telling their child that they are donor conceived
because their husband will not allow it. For heterosexual couples out
there:

Did you receive any education/counseling from your doctor, facility or
sperm bank in regards to disclosure? Any suggestions made? Any
counseling offered to deal with infertility?

I am pointing these folks to the reading materials on the
“Articles and Issues” page, the “FAQ” page and the Cambridge
“Research” page for articles on the importance of (early) disclosure.
I am hearing back from some of these women saying that their husbands
will not read or even consider telling the kids. I wonder how we can
get the sperm banks/doctors/clinics to better educate the dads?
Somehow the shame of infertility needs to be dealt with as well as the
fear of rejection because of not being biologically related to your
children. If these families would have told right from the beginning,
and been honest with their kids, it wouldn’t be such a loaded issue,
as now there is a secret and people have been lied to. The older donor
conceived people that have found out later in life seem to be much
more rattled at having been lied to, than learning hat they are donor
conceived.

So far, the clinics/doctors/facilities have been unwilling to include
any disclosure literature that I have sent them in their new patient
packets (except for Xytex!). So the battle is getting this industry to
realize the importance of honesty in families. The Cambridge Research
is one step along the way….but we have not made a dent in the way
this industry continues to operate.