Here's the letter we've sent to many egg clinics/agencies over the years:

Hello!

I’d like to introduce you to the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR), a nonprofit organization founded in 2000 that assists individuals who were conceived as a result of sperm, egg or embryo donation, and who are seeking to make mutually desired contact with others with whom they share genetic ties. In addition, we facilitate contact amongst donors and families who wish to be in touch--sometimes long before the children turn 18. In the past 20 years, we have helped to connect almost 20,000 people, and now have more than 72,000 members in 105 countries.
 
 We’re reaching out to people who facilitate the creation of happy families.  We’d like to partner with you.  Here’s why:

• As we move toward increased openness as a society, there’s a particularly strong need to stay at the forefront of the trend within the donor industry.

• 2009 published research (Human Reproduction) on egg donors showed that, while 97% of egg donors have never been contacted by their clinic(s) for medical updates, 31% of egg donors felt they, or close family members, had medical/genetic issues that would be important to share with families.

• Registering on the DSR is the only way to stay anonymous while still sharing medical info.

• It can be of equal medical importance to donors that their offspring provide updated medical information, especially as the donors build their own families.

• In the last few years, there has been a desire for earlier contact between donors and recipient families.

• Many families occasionally wish they could ask their donor simple questions, such as, “My son would like to know if you ever played a musical instrument?” or, “Is there any diabetes in your family?”

The DSR can help by providing a valuable service to your clients and your company-- at no cost to you.  (It’s a win-win-win!)

~ Andi, Oregon Reproductive Medicine
 

• CONTACT: The issue of contact between the donor and the recipient is removed from the hands and focus of the agency/clinic.

• CONSENT: Since the DSR relies on mutual consent; the agency/clinic doesn’t need to be worried about protecting anyone’s privacy.

• CHOICE: Each party can remain anonymous if they choose, so the decision is ultimately in the hands of those involved. Each party can decide how much information they’re comfortable sharing. 

• CURRENT: The sharing and updating of medical records happen on the DSR, so the agency/clinic has less work since they have provided a tool for medical updates.

We invite you to set precedent within the egg donation industry.  The DSR website has many resources to assist you in becoming a leader in fully educating and supporting families through this exciting process. In addition, I am always available for group consults and am happy to come to your office (or video meet) to help get your team up to speed on educating recipients and donors on connecting through the DSR.

 We look forward to working with you!
 
 Sincerely,

 Wendy Kramer
 Co-Founder and Executive Director, the Donor Sibling Registry

We’re registering every donor who agrees to undertake semi-known and known cycles and since Dr. D. joined San Diego Fertility Center last year, with all his male/male couples throughout Europe – who all want future contact – our registration numbers will keep growing and growing ”  

~Jenna Lake, Egg Donor Program Director at San Diego Fertility Center

"Each year I see more intended parents who want to make sure their child one day ''has the option'' to meet their donor if they wish. As an agency, I am grateful that there is a program like The Donor Sibling Registry that can be an advocate for the child, donor, and intended parents who desire this type of relationship."
~Katy Encalade, Program Director, Egg Donor Solutions

~Christine The Fertility Center, MI

 ~A Former Egg Donor

~ Kallie Wilson, MSW, Care Coordinator, Egg Donor Solutions

Guest Blog: by Lavon Peters

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since becoming a parent, it’s that you can’t control how your children feel — about anything. This is especially true if your child is donor-conceived. You might have firm opinions and feelings about your family situation, but your child’s feelings are their own … and your child’s feelings don’t necessarily mirror yours.

Many parents who used a donor to conceive claim that their child isn’t interested in knowing anything about their donor or possible half-siblings. But this is frequently the parent’s own projection. The parent might be nervous about how they conceived or anxious about their own relationship with their child. Parent often fear what these new family connections might mean, and how those new connections might affect their carefully constructed family unit.

However, parents need to put aside their own insecurities and fears in order to really listen to what their children want and need. All people have an innate desire to know who they are, which includes where — and whom — they come from. Assuming that parents are honest with their children about their donor conception (which is a whole other issue!), at some point those children will express curiosity about their biological parent, medical history, ancestry, and/or other close genetic relatives such as half-siblings.

Parents must also understand that their children’s feelings will change over time. A child’s interest in their donor or half-siblings may increase as they mature — or might decrease as the child seeks to establish their own identity, separate from family.

In addition, not all the children in a family will have the same level of interest in their donor or half-siblings. Even among my own three kids — who have all known about their donor status since birth and have had access to their half-siblings since my oldest was age 5 — there isn’t a consensus regarding their donor or half-siblings. My oldest (21) has had email contact with our donor but hasn’t met him. My youngest (16) has met the donor but otherwise hasn’t been in contact with him. And my middle child (19) has neither met nor been in contact with the donor, although she does belong to a Facebook group that includes the donor. All three of my kids have met various half-siblings, but only my oldest maintains an ongoing relationship with them. I assume this will change as my children also change and grow — and I know it’s my job to support my kids, wherever they are on that path.

That’s the thing about having donor-conceived children — or any children! As parents, we don’t get to decide how they feel. Our job is simply to guide and encourage them in their emotional development. Donor-conceived children need their parents’ support as they navigate their own complicated feelings about how they came to be, and what it means to them as individuals.

If you need guidance in helping your donor-conceived child sort through their feelings, check out the Donor Sibling Registry. Our DSR Counseling page is a great place to start, and our DSR Families and Donor Offspring pages provide additional resources. We’ve also conducted a lot of research on donor offspring; to read about their perspectives, see the DSR Research page.

A complete sentence. A statement. A fact. That apples are a fruit changes nothing for the banana, or the orange. The banana is not less of a fruit because the apple is one also. The fruit’s fruit-ness is not diminished by the apple being a fruit too.

As you read the proclamation of apples as fruits, you probably didn’t feel the urge to qualify the statement. You probably didn’t feel that other fruits needed to be defended. You probably didn’t think that anything else needed to be added to the sentence in order to make it a complete thought. —Claire Saccardi

In psychology, zero-sum thinking refers to the perception that a situation is like a zero-sum game, where one person's gain indicates another's loss.

Acknowledging the biological mother or father doesn't take away from the non-bio mother or father who raised you. Too many parents (and sometimes offspring) are afraid that if they connect with, acknowledge the importance of knowing, or even call a "donor" a genetic/biological mother/father/parent, it will somehow diminish the importance of the non-bio parent. (This is why most parents don't tell.)

When donor-conceived people have the opportunity to incorporate previously unknown genetic relatives into their lives (e.g., biological parents, biological grandparents, or half-siblings), it in no way takes away from the family that raises and loves them. When egg and sperm donors connect with children that were born from their donations, it in no way threatens the integrity of their existing family. One doesn't threaten, diminish, replace, or negate the other.

Incorporating donor relatives into our lives is adding to and expanding our idea of family. Once you realize this, you can acknowledge that these connections can be celebrated instead of feared.

(View graphic at full size here.)