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DNA and Your Rights


By admin on January 28, 2019



We’ve been hearing disturbing accounts of NW Cryobank threatening donor families for DNA testing. In the past, this sperm bank has also prohibited its donors from using the DSR to make mutual consent contact, thereby prohibiting offspring from learning more about their ancestry, ethnicity, medical backgrounds, and close genetic relatives. 

Recently, one mom has been threatened with a $20,000 fine: $10,000 for testing her daughter’s DNA (“seeking the identity of the donor”) and another $10,000 for reaching out to relatives on the DNA website.  

Another mom found out via DNA testing that she was given the wrong sperm and was also threatened with regard to reaching out to her child’s genetic relatives on the DNA website. Instead of acknowledging the serious error of shipping the incorrect sperm, the sperm bank instead told the woman that she could not use the DNA connections to try and piece together which donor’s sperm she’d actually been sold. The​ sperm bank contract prohibits “seeking the identity” of the donor, so apparently, “seeking the identity of”  and DNA testing are one and the same to the cryobank.

People around the world test their own or their child’s DNA to find close genetic relatives, to get medical information, and to learn more about ancestry, ethnicity, countries of origin, and to build family trees. Why would donor offspring have fewer rights than any other segment of the population to test their own DNA? 

Offspring of all ages are testing their own DNA, sometimes completely unaware that they are donor-conceived and they, along with all other offspring, never signed any type of “agreement” prohibiting mutual consent contact with their biological relatives, via DNA testing or any other methodology. Additionally, when you submit DNA, oftentimes you are told that you’re 25% related; so until you reach out to that relative, you don’t know if it’s a half-sibling, a grandparent, or an aunt or uncle.

Why are these moms being threatened for testing their child’s DNA when so many have already done so and reached out to their unknown genetic relatives? Many formerly anonymous donors welcome the contact, while others choose to say, “thanks, but no thanks.” But you just can’t know if the person that you match with is open to connecting until you actually reach out. Shouldn’t everyone be able to both make and explore their own and their child’s DNA connections?

The sperm bank’s reason for not allowing donors to make mutual consent contact on the DSR was to “protect the parents” and their reasoning for not allowing parents to “seek the identity of the donor” was to “protect” the donor. So it seems like they’re playing both sides of the field: threatening both parents and donors for their own “protection.” In reality, these policies mainly serve the interests of the sperm banks.

“I get the distinct impression they are trying to limit my access to other families since my daughter was born with genetic issues.”

All sperm banks have some sort of a clause prohibiting people from connecting because keeping genetic relatives from each other allows them to continue lying: about numbers of offspring per donor, about “lost” records, about sperm mix-ups, about reaching out to “open” donors, about medical information, etc. All appear to be unenforceable because people have been connecting on the DSR since 2000 — and via DNA and other search methods since at least 2005. 

No such lawsuit with a donor who donated through a sperm bank has ever happened. My own son was the first donor-conceived person to locate his donor via DNA testing in 2005. Our sperm bank — California Cryobank, which is owned by the same parent company as NW Cryo — and the sperm banks of many others have never previously threatened people from DNA testing. We assumed that they seemed to understand that they would be trying to shut the barn door on a horse that got out a long time ago. Yet now Califonia Cryobank is also reaching out to parents, trying to enforce the “no DNA testing” rule on donor families of its sister sperm bank, NW Cryo. Why? 

CCB’s Agreement: “Client agrees that Client will not, directly or indirectly, through a third party, make any attempt to contact a donor. Client acknowledges that Client has no right to learn the identity of a donor and that Cryobank will not disclose any identifying information regarding a donor. Any donor contact must be facilitated by Cryobank per the Anonymous and Open Donor Contact policies.”  

The Donor Sibling Registry currently has 3,570 donors on its website.

Donors from NW Cryobank are also threatened from posting on the Donor Sibling Registry in order to make mutual consent contact with the families. They are the only sperm bank that has not a single donor posted, after one did so in 2007 and was threatened by the sperm bank, and promptly removed his posting.

Truth Be Told


By admin on August 30, 2018
We recommend telling donor-conceived people the truth about their conception very early on (pre-verbal) so that there is never a traumatic “telling” or “finding out” event. When your child understands how they were created right from the beginning, it just becomes a part of who they are. And additionally, having the opportunity to connect with and know their first- and second-degree genetic relatives right from the start can be enriching. We don’t wait for our children to be grown before introducing them to their aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents, so why not let them grow up knowing their half-siblings and even their other biological parent and his or her family?

But some parents don’t know how to tell (see my new children’s book) or are fearful of telling because they’re protecting a non-biological parent, afraid of disrupting the family dynamic, and/or afraid their children will feel anger or pain, so they wait and wait, until their children are teens or even older. As a result, many families who have kept the secret are now struggling as donor offspring are now finding out the shocking truth via DNA testing.

There is a remarkable difference in how older children and adults respond to the news depending on how much parental support they get after they’re told or find out on their own.

If parents:
  • • don’t want to talk about it
  • • dismiss or negate any upset feelings the child has
  • • don’t acknowledge the child’s desire to know their biological relatives
  • • minimize the importance and weight of the information
  • • express their own discomfort with the information
  • • don’t apologize for not telling sooner
  • • don’t acknowledge that some family counseling may be needed
  • • or generally just tune out

then the child may have a much more difficult time. Older children, teens, and adults should not be left to process this new information on their own. They need to know that any feelings they might have, including confusion and anger, are to be expected and will be fully acknowledged. If they are fearful about expressing their true feelings because they’re afraid of hurting their parents, that could cause a harmful disconnect in the parent/child relationship.

If your older child says that they don’t want to talk about it and shuts off all communication about it, then you need to be checking in on them regularly, because internalizing any distress can be harmful in the long run. Refusing to talk about it may indicate that there is some family work to do together. Your prior secrecy might imply that there was something shameful about the way your child was created. It is your job to make sure that this is not a fact about themself that your child is ashamed or embarrassed about. It’s also your job to normalize this news, frame it in the most positive way possible, and then be willing to support your child as they process the information. If your child is angry with you, that’s not something to be turned away from, but something to face, full on. Apologize. Own it. Ask your child how you can best support them so that you can move forward together. You can and will work through it.

I regularly counsel with people who are just about to tell and with those who have just told, so I know that telling can be a very healing experience for the family — when parents are prepared to put the feelings of their child ahead of their own. The burden of this secret is not for the parents to carry, and the truth is owed to the child.

Some donor-conceived people weigh-in:
My mother told me when I was 18 and as soon as she told me it all made sense — it was the big secret that was ever present my whole childhood. I think that had they told me earlier, many things would have been different for me and for both of my parents. My parents are smart, free-thinking individuals, who have a history of challenging authority in different ways, and yet where donor conception was concerned, they followed the doctors’ advice and kept it a secret. I believe now that they regret this but that it is engrained for them. They have more guilt around this than I do. And they still have a really really hard time talking about it openly. I think that one major way that it has influenced my life is my deep-seated believe that in meaningful close family or friend relationships it is essential to not hide anything.

I found out at 15. I’m 34 now, and FINALLY getting my life together. I’ve felt lost and alone and felt like I had my identity ripped from me. Teenagers are ALL going through identity issues. Teenage years are when kids really establish their identity.

I was told that I was donor conceived when I was 12 or 13 years old. I remember at the time both my parents were upset and crying, but as a pre-teen, I acted like I was fine and didn’t really ask any questions, just said it was fine and did not change anything and hugged my parents and went to my room.

I knew about it from the time I knew about anything else in my life — it was a part of me. I’ve always considered my dad my dad just as my mom is my mom. I’m close to my half-siblings.

I only just found out I was donor conceived about 3 months ago. I am 33 years old now, so it was completely shocking. Learning this turned my whole world upside down. I am doing better with it now, but I believe it has influenced me my whole life without me knowing it. I also think it’s insane to lie to your child about such a basic and fundamental truth, and can only begin to imagine the way this shaped my relationship with my parents. I took a DNA test 3 years ago, and was really surprised by my results. I never would have imagined my Dad wasn’t my biological father. I feel sorry for the little girl in me that wasn’t allowed to have access to her truth. I think the betrayal is the worst part, but I can imagine that even if my parents had been honest with me it would have been very confusing to learn this as a child or teen.

Hi! I’m 24 and recently found out I was donor conceived less than a year ago from 23andMe when I very unexpectedly matched with a half-sister — so this is my take on this. Like you, my parents did not tell my brother nor I, and although they “wanted” to (and I say this loosely because I think they only really said this after they got caught — but I do know their doctor advised them not to tell), they didn’t want to upset me during my teenage years. Fast forward to now ... I was devastated and am still devastated. My mom was my best friend and to this day I feel completely and utterly betrayed, and it put a huge rift in our relationship that I feel will never be fixed.

I thought and told my parents that I was adopted from a very young age (~5). I figured out I was donor conceived on my own 21 years later. I definitely had a weird feeling that I didn’t belong to my parents, but they were very convincing that it was just in my head. As soon as I realized I was DC, it all clicked.

I always wondered if I was adopted or my mom had an affair. There was definitely a weird feeling, like I was unlike the rest of my family. I thought I was a fluke.

Tell her now; the longer you wait, the harder it is for everyone — especially her, which should be most important considering she is the one who has a right to know who she is and knowledge of her own genetic composition!! Read Wendy’s book and tell her. No other way around it. The only good time is when they’re little and they grow up knowing it. As a 35-year-old DC who was just told, what I wouldn’t have given to have known sooner, especially as we go through our growing years and choosing careers and lives moving forward. Just do it.

My parents tried at various points to tell me that I was donor conceived, but it obviously bothered them and it was one of many things we didn’t talk about. It seemed like a secret they were ashamed of. I don’t mind people knowing, but given how much my parents hate it I usually keep quiet about it. My parents are both loving and it’s clear they wanted me, but they react inconsistently so it’s difficult to talk to them about difficult things, this being one of them.

I guessed [my dad] was not my biological father at age 10-11. When I guessed he wasn’t my bio father, my mom simply said, “I didn’t tell you that, don’t ever bring it up again.” It was life-altering for me. I all but convinced myself as a teenager that the reason my mom had told me to never bring it up again was because if my dad found out I knew, he wouldn’t have to pretend to love me anymore. A lot to think through as a teenager!

And finally, two of my son Ryan’s new half-siblings weigh in:
I found out at age 28 through AncestryDNA, which I signed up for because I had suspected my dad wasn’t my biological father my entire life. I wish so badly that my parents had just told me as a child because growing up I was so different from them and my siblings but didn’t have any way of explaining why. It made me feel like an outsider in my own family, and I felt like I was crazy. Having this information from an early age could have drastically improved my quality of life growing up. This is an important truth of our existence. The shame or discomfort you may feel about telling your child is nothing compared to the gaslighting and distress we experience from being lied to our whole lives.

My mother told me at age 18, very abruptly. After the initial first discussion, it was never brought up again. I felt alone, angry, sad, and confused. I had no one to talk to about what I was going through. I have spent the past five years of my life trying to process those emotions and thoughts alone, with no follow-up from either of my parents. I was scared to ask questions. I didn’t know where to start or what to ask. Not only is bringing the truth to life important but also being there for your child after they know. There will never be a “perfect” or “right” time to tell your children. I wish that someone had chosen to be honest with me when I was younger because we could have avoided these past five years of intense emotions and confusion for me. P.S. Follow up with them!

Do not wait for your child to do a DNA test and find out on their own that you withheld this information.

"Secrets are like landmines, you know. They can go off at any time, but until they go off you’re sort of treading around them." —Barry Stevens, Donor-Conceived Person

Donor Siblings: Our “Spreadsheet Moment”*


By admin on July 25, 2018

In September 2000, I posted the very first message on our original Yahoo Group board:


Donor #1058?  Wendy Kramer  Sep 3, 2000

I am the mother of an awesome 10-year-old donor child. I know that he has at least 3 donor siblings and would love to contact them. We are looking for Donor #1058 from the California Cryobank. I hope that this board will serve others looking for their children’s (or their own) siblings.

Our half-sibling group hit the “spreadsheet moment” this year when my son got his 11th half-sister in March. Two more came along in June and then two more in July. I had heard about many other DSR families having Excel spreadsheets, as once you surpass a certain number of half-siblings, you might not remember clearly all of their names along with their birthdates, locations, places of birth, families, and other vitals.

*8/4/18 Update: one more 1058 half-sister added to the group!
*1/13/19 Update: another 1058 half-brother added to the group!
*1/18/19 Update: another 1058 half-sister added to the group!
*1/20/21 Update: 2 more 1058 half-siblings added to the group, now at 22!

Because all reporting is voluntary, and because sperm banks want to sell as much of a donor’s sperm as possible, they just do not have accurate records on the numbers of births. In 2000, when California Cryobank told us that there were three half-siblings, at least 15 others had already been born.

Sperm Banks Still Promise "Limits":


Some other families who used CCB report:

“In about 1990 they told me ten. I guess it just depends on who answers the phone!”

“In 1991 they said 1 or 2 births was the limit.”

“When I used CCB in 1999 they told me limited to 30 families — as of right now there are 30 kids.”

“Back in 2004 I was told that each donor had 10 vials and that was it.”

“In 2005 we were told the limit per donor was ten families.”

“In 2010, when we chose our CCB donor, we were told 10 families max.”

“They told me in 2011 it was limited to 20 family units but they are now saying it has increased to between 25 and 30 family units.”

“In 2011 CCB also told me that they limit families of open ID donors to 20 and anonymous donors to 25.”

When a prospective donor called CCB in 2017 and asked this question: “What is the maximum number of children that you allow per donor?” California Cryobank told the prospective donor, “12 to 15 family units.”

A former donor reports:

“California Cryobank, where I donated, knows of 35 successful pregnancies from me. Yet, when I donated I was told 10 families was the maximum number who would be allowed to use me.”

And another donor who donated to CCB in the 1990s reported to me yesterday that he knows of 27 children, so far.

Here’s part of the problem: “Just want to add that I also reported my son’s birth almost immediately to CCB (in 1995), and when I called years later, it hadn’t been documented.”

This also happened to me. CCB also had no record of Ryan’s birth several years after I reported it myself. And when we visited them in 2011 they had no records of the three half-sisters that had all participated in national media stories with us. Even Ryan wasn’t included in their records.

So without mandatory reporting (reporting oversight/regulations), ALL sperm banks will continue to have incomplete record-keeping of how many kids are born for any one donor. My donor donated for 5 years. That’s literally hundreds — if not thousands — of vials of sperm, as each donation (agreements are for 2-3 times/week) can yield between 4-24 sellable vials. (Seriously, the math is scary!)

While each new half-sibling is warmly welcomed into our group, I hope, for the sake of my son, his half-siblings, and their biological father, that the 1058 group doesn’t reach epic proportions (100-200), like many others on the DSR.

A revealing assessment of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine’s “recommendations” for “no more than 25 pregnancies per donor per population of 800,000”: https://donorsiblingregistry.com/sites/default/files/files/ASRM_Limit_of_offspring_per_donor.pdf