From an anonymous poster on the DSR Yahoo Group:
To all those seeking access to their donors and to all donors reading this, I wanted to comment on behalf of privacy, donors and accessibility based solely on my own family’s experience, no one else’s. I don’t profess to know what the right thing to do is, just what has worked for us. I am a mother of a donor conceived child (teenager) and was lucky enough to find our donor through this site after trying to reach out to him directly through my bank without success.
We are definitely lucky, in that our donor was willing to take some risks where his privacy is concerned. My family was willing to take risks on our side. Our contact began almost three years ago, first six months of email, then the adults met, followed by my child and donor meeting. It has been a very slow pace in many ways, finding ways to connect that match everyone’s needs, including those needs of his “chosen” family (wife and children at home). In some ways it has been fast and steady. Our donor overtime, has allowed his children access to my child. In many ways, those sibling relationships are stronger and certainly easier to manage than the adult ones. He is a wonderful man with a big huge heart and has been tender and respectful of my child’s needs, even if he can’t always meet them (her needs). In turn, we have been honest, respectful and tender with him even when my wishes haven’t always matched his. It is, more than anything, an
ongoing NEGOTIATION. Each step is another adventure. I feel extremely grateful to our donor and very blessed by the experience. My child is happy and living her life.
My only idea to pass on to others are to trust as best you can. That seems to be the biggest unlocked treasure for me, in this adventure. have discovered a level of trust I didn’t know I had. Giving up my need to control things and trusting that we as a family along with the donor and his family, will and are, finding our way. It has involved lots of patience and compromise and stretching our hearts.
Best of luck to all those looking. Even the moments when I felt my heart would break from something I thought was only disappointing, my child has found a silver lining. She has learned to cherish what is possible and not anguish over what is not. What a powerful lesson! And we are all the better for these incredible experiences.