Counseling guide published by Ethics Press in the UK:
Counseling Donor Family Members: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals

Donor conception is becoming substantially more common with the exponential advancements being made in the field of reproductive medicine, and with the wider acceptance in recent decades of LGBTQ+ families, single-parent families, and women in later reproductive years utilizing donor gametes. The accessibility of commercial DNA testing is also helping to expand these families as many people are finding out by surprise that they are part of a sometimes quite large donor family.  Given the greatly increased probability of encountering a client connected to a donor family in their practices across settings, clinicians must be well informed about all perspectives in order to best serve people in the donor family constellation. 

Families formed and connected via donor gametes are unique in many ways, yet they also share the same joys, disappointments, adventures, concerns, stressors, and love that most families do. It’s not uncommon for individuals in donor families to feel a sense of confusion or discomfort about their stories or their own or their family’s boundaries when it comes to using donor gametes or donating them or to have issues surrounding disclosure or learning about their own donor conception story. It can be anxiety-provoking to reach out to one's own or their child’s new genetic relatives. Grappling with the depth and breadth, and the timing and speed with which they explore their own or their child’s origins and expanding families can be challenging, and also deeply profound and rewarding.

Clinicians will explore in this guide the unique issues that can present for egg and sperm donors, parents of donor-conceived children, and donor-conceived people. They will better understand the reasons donor family members may or may not desire to connect with their own or their child's close genetic relatives. They will be better prepared for many of the issues that donor family members might present with regarding their families of origin and with their new donor family relationships. Regardless of the presenting issues for treatment, for these individuals, the challenges of forming and redefining identity and family as they explore their own or their child’s new biological connections can seem overwhelming and are therefore very likely to surface as a topic of discussion.  

Counseling Donor Family Members: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals is a first-of-its-kind guide intended to be a resource for mental health and medical professionals in any setting, especially for those who are unfamiliar with donor conception. It’s a presentation of evolving ideas, recommendations, and talking points that can be used in counseling anyone in the donor family. Because each stakeholder is deeply connected to the others, understanding all viewpoints is important for a successful counseling experience with any parent, egg and sperm donor, or donor-conceived person.

Reviews:

As the mother of a 3-time egg donor and a researcher in the field, I’ve had the opportunity to learn a great deal from Wendy Kramer. She is undoubtedly one of the most knowledgeable experts regarding all the emotional and practical issues that donor-conceived individuals, their families, and also the gamete donors and their families experience.   After some 22 years of running what has become the world’s biggest online resource for connecting donor-conceived offspring with their half-siblings and with their egg or sperm donors, as well as her extensive actual experience counseling and supporting donor-conceived offspring and family members, and also her participation in research, she is the ideal person to share her clinical and research experience with others who counsel any of the complex group of people affected by donor conception.  This practical, extensive, empathetic, and inclusive guide can be an essential resource for mental health professionals in counseling such individuals. I highly recommend it to all. — Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D 

The world of donor gamete conception is novel for many mental health professionals and becoming well-informed about the unique features of donor families can be challenging as practitioners begin working with this population. This guide provides a concise overview of the unique historical, social and emotional aspects of donor gamete conception for all parties involved and advises counselors about how to navigate exceptional psychosocial realities that each member will face.  This text utilizes a breadth of research, professional and personal experiences to make a compelling argument for understanding what is currently known about the challenges donor families face as they attempt to foster and maintain distal yet uniquely intimate relationships among biological and non-biological members.

Wendy Kramer has been a trailblazer in the world of donor conception for over 20 years. As the co-founder of one of the largest donor family organizations, she passionately advocates for supporting and educating families to be well-informed as they navigate donor conception. She uses her unique positionality as a biological mother of a donor-conceived child and pioneer in the field of connecting donor families to highlight the gravity of the psychological complexities for donor families.

A strength of the text is that it is well-organized and structurally appealing for any learner. The language used is easy to understand as the authors clearly define terms used and avoid medical jargon. The chapters are organized in such a way that scaffolds seminal topics such as disclosure, legal and medical concerns, problems perpetuated by gamete vendors, and the inevitable loss of anonymity with commercialized DNA technologies. Chapters 2 through 6 specifically describe the different perspectives of each member of the donor family, which makes it easy to reference a particular client type. Additionally, the bulleted format allows for information to be accessed with ease and quick reference. The inclusion of references at the end of each chapter, rather than at the end of the book, allows the reader to source relevant literature as needed.  Another strength is the author's inclusion of direct quotes from donor family members. These anecdotes are captivating and heart-wrenching, as they truly evoke empathy from the reader. The quotes also offer insights that can be used to validate and normalize clients’ experiences, especially those who may feel isolated, alone, and worried about the future of their well-being and familial relationships.

Overall, this book serves to fill the gaps of knowledge in working with donor families. This text centralizes years of research, advocacy, and interdisciplinary practice into one cohesive text that will be referenced for years to come.  Mental health professionals trained in any modality can learn from and apply the information offered in this guide.  Therapists who interface with donors, intended parents, donor-conceived people, and their extended families will find the information provided truly valuable, no matter their training or years of experience. —  Breanna N. Beard, MA, Health Psychology Intern, Duke Fertility Center, Duke University Health System
 

Education and competency in the issues related to donor-assisted reproduction should be required of any professional working with parents, donors, or the donor-conceived.  And by this, I mean healthcare workers, legal professionals, teachers, spiritual care workers- people who interact with humans.  Especially now, as this medical technology advances its accessibility, and as more people find out later in life that they were donor-conceived.  This is another intersection of diversity, equity, and inclusion for which professionals and families alike need resources for education and understanding.  This handbook is just that source.  As a healthcare professional, beneficiary of an egg donor, and mother to a young donor-conceived person, I can say this book is a great start.  I extend gratitude to Kramer and Bertisch for their hard work in sharing this with us.
— Laurie N. Baker, PhD, ABPP, Director of Psychology, Shepherd Center

Based on their extensive first-hand experience of donor conception, Wendy Kramer and Hilary Bertisch have produced a highly readable, timely, and comprehensive guide. It should be required reading for all mental health professionals working in donor conception.
— Eric Blyth, PhD, Emeritus Professor of Social Work, University of Huddersfield, England   

Kramer and Bertisch's groundbreaking handbook details the common, but often unspoken and profound impact of assisted reproductive technologies on the lived experiences of donor-conceived children, their parents, and other family members. By weaving quantitative and qualitative data, as well as clinical insights and personal narratives, the book provides a compelling and accessible framework to help families navigate the cognitive and psychological aspects of assisted reproductive technology. Their book fills a much-needed gap for recognizing and addressing these issues that are deeply rooted in the core of the families' evolution. — Suzie Bertisch, MD, MPH 

Finally! After years of working as a mental health professional specializing in the emotional aspects of infertility, I have struggled to convey to my colleagues the importance of truly understanding the experience of using a donor to create a family. With one out of every eight heterosexual couples experiencing infertility and many single women and LGBT couples using a donor to conceive, it is imperative that mental health providers understand all aspects of the decision. This guide will provide insight into the world of donor-conceived families: the parent(s), children, siblings, and the donor. Our culture has promoted secrecy behind this decision and after you read this guide, you will learn how important it is for ALL parties to not live under the shroud but rather to be fully informed on how to be open and honest with no guilt or shame about the decision to donate, or to have a child or to be a donor-conceived person. Truly a must-read!!
— Harriette Rovner Ferguson, LCSW, Co-author Experiencing Infertility, member of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine's Mental Health Professional Group, mental health consultant to fertility clinics

This is a therapist handbook that should not be put on a high shelf; it needs to be readily available. While focusing on the needs of all members of donor families, the handbook is also an intelligent, accessible, and practical guide for offering high-quality therapy to all clients who want to address issues related to their families. —- Liz Margolies, LCSW and ​​Founder, National LGBT Cancer Network

Like the Donor Sibling Registry itself, this handbook is destined to be an invaluable resource. And like the DSR, it is replete with wisdom, empathy, and lived experience. 
— Misha Angrist, PhD, Duke University Initiative for Science & Society

This handbook relays the practical importance of this topic, particularly how mental health providers can help donor-conceived people navigate such complexities. Although discourse is shifting and stigma is decreasing, there needs to be greater awareness around assisted reproduction and its impact on individuals, couples, and families. — Dr. Elizabeth B. Lozano, Assistant Professor of Psychology and Sociology, California Northstate University

This is a tangible guidebook filled with a wealth of evidence-based information as well as useful and personal anecdotes to humanize the complexities that go into donor-assisted reproduction. Not only should this be readily available to all practitioners and patients but also to all learners studying the field of reproductive medicine. — Dr. Dana Siegel, Obstetrics and Gynecology Resident, University of Colorado

Given continued advances in assisted reproductive technologies, Counseling Donor Family Members: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals meets a critical need. Kramer and Bertisch provide a welcome and indispensable resource for practitioners, especially those working with people with infertility or seeking gamete donation, donor-conceived children, and their biological and non-biological parents. In this book, unique themes that can arise in donor family situations, such as disclosure and redefining family, are carefully and sensitively reviewed, as are the feelings and needs of all involved parties. Practical recommendations are also offered for intake assessment and talking points during therapy. This book is essential reading for therapists across a variety of settings who encounter donor family members. Students of ethics would also find this book informative and a useful reference. — Lynn A. Schaefer, Ph.D., ABPP, Fellow, American Psychological Association, Fellow, National Academy of Neuropsychology, Director of Neuropsychology, Nassau University Medical Center

I’m always struck by the parallels between the realities of donor and adoptive families, so Kramer’s excellent new handbook struck very close to home. More importantly, the information and insights within it are applicable to all sorts of families. And, of course, it’s necessary reading for everyone who works or might work with any member of a donor family. I think that means it’s a must-read-and-use for all health professionals. — Adam Pertman, President of the National Center on Adoption and Permanency and author of Adoption Nation

Wendy Kramer writes from the wise and compassionate perspective of a parent who has navigated the complexities of assisted reproduction. Kramer and Bertisch plant their flag firmly in support of truth and transparency for the long-term benefit of children who become adults. This book is not only a useful guide for counselors, as those considering selling their gametes to a vendor, or creating a child through assisted reproduction would be well-served to read this practical guide before making their decision. — Rich Uhrlaub, President, Adoption Search Resource Connection, Coalition for Truth and Transparency in Adoption

Wendy Kramer has long fought for openness and disclosure in the donor conception world. Having spoken to many thousands of trailblazers — and having been one herself — she offers guidance to today's counsellors on how to help people navigate this challenging terrain. — Alison Motluk, Freelance journalist and publisher of HeyReprotech, a weekly newsletter about assisted reproduction

This book is a must-read. As a mental health clinician, I find the book to be comprehensive and engaging. Each topic is well organized and coverage is in-depth. As a donor-conceived person with a rich family fabric of donor siblings, step-siblings, and adopted siblings, I found the book comforting and stabilizing. The authors share their passion and expertise in a style that is practical, accessible, and applicable. — James Holmes, LCSW

Omg I would have begged for this in the 2000s. Thank god I had you! You were my lifeline once we found the connection, after lots of years of strife! — DSR Mom

Wendy is a true visionary and leader in this field and sheds light on subjects important for everyone involved in donor conception to understand. — Lisa Schuman, LCSW, Director, The Center for Family Building

My name is Kris A Probasco, LCSW and I have practiced in the state of Missouri and Kansas since 1972. I specialize in adoption, fertility, and reproductive issues. I have been following Wendy Kramer in the Donor Sibling Registry since their conception in 2000. As a social worker, I have felt like the lone wolf in the crowd of reproductive mental health professionals. I spoke often of the rights of the donor-conceived person to know of their genetic history and birth by donor conception. Only the adoption professionals understood the damage to families in maintaining family secrets. The Adoption Reform Movement started in the 1970s and the adoption professionals learned from the Adoption Triad of all the mental health factors connected to secrecy. We also acknowledged that families work best in being open and honest and having and giving the knowledge of one's genetics throughout life. Thank you, Wendy, for your dedication to keeping the needs of all of the donor population at the forefront. Education is mandated for all mental health professionals. This book is an easy read that is full of knowledge and experience. The Donor Sibling Registry has always been a guiding light. Thank you again, Wendy. — Kris A. Probasco, LCSW, Adoption & Fertility Resources

Our Donor Sibling Registry community can get a 40% discount by entering DSR40 as the discount code while checking out! 

 

 

The Donor Sibling Registry has published three other books for all stakeholders in the donor family, including a book for children. You can purchase on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Bookshop.

"Wendy Kramer tells an absolutely riveting story that only she could tell — one that documents a profound shift in the way we negotiate our biology ... and each other. Donor Family Matters captures what Kramer calls the 'difficult, messy, joyful, and rewarding endeavor' of raising a family in a way that will break your heart and then put it back together again." 
— Misha Angrist, Ph.D., author of Here is a Human Being: At the Dawn of Personal Genomics

"Wendy Kramer’s memoir — like Wendy Kramer herself — is invaluable, lucid, engaging, and full of wisdom. This book is a gift.” 
— Dani Shapiro, donor-conceived offspring and author of Inheritance

"I wanted to write as I have just put down your new book, read from cover to cover in one sitting. It’s excellent and I wanted to add my voice to the accolades already out there. I know that I will be recommending it to many, many people for years to come, perhaps especially to parents, clinic staff, regulators and policymakers. It’s such a valuable and unique addition to what is out there. Thank you!" 
— Dr. Marilyn Crawshaw, BSc (Soc) (London), CQSW & DipApplSocStudies (Sheffield), MA (Bradford), Ph.D. (York)

"This warm and highly enjoyable book gives the reader a real insight into the lives of Wendy and Ryan Kramer, founders of the Donor Sibling Registry. Wendy conceived Ryan by donor sperm when still part of a heterosexual marriage, but left her husband when she realised the impact his drinking was likely to have on Ryan. As a single parent Wendy worked to support her son who was soon recognised as being profoundly academically gifted. Whilst this is a problem we might all think we would want to have, Wendy makes clear that finding the right sort of education for him was a massive struggle. He was often bullied for his ‘difference’ and only really found himself able to fit in with others when he was in higher education. I met him when he was about 14 and can testify to the really kind, warm, and generous young man he was then and I know remains.

Ryan knew about being donor-conceived right from the start and began to show an interest in connecting with half-siblings around the age of eight. From a little Yahoo group started by Wendy as a very personal project to try to reach out to find genetic relatives for Ryan, The Donor Sibling Registry grew organically into the enormous, successful database that it is today. Wendy’s passion for openness was fuelled by the anger and sadness of an early connection with the mother of two of Ryan’s half-sisters who said to Wendy that her daughters would never be told about their origins. Ryan went on to find his donor, his paternal grandparents and slowly over the years 19 half-siblings. The story of the way Ryan and Wendy approached his donor and the huge care they took in establishing a relationship with him and his family is an educative and fascinating one. 

This is a book that should be read by all parents of donor-conceived children and indeed those contemplating becoming parents this way. Just 85 pages long it is a short but life-enhancing read." 
— Oliva Montuschi, Donor Conception Network, UK

"As a psychotherapist who works with families created by using a donor, I rarely find people who understand the psychological and emotional journeys couples and individuals go on when they decide on this family-building option. For years, using a donor was shrouded in secrecy. Parents were told no one has to know and so no one did, including the child. The family unit was underscored by dishonesty and secrecy. Not too healthy a way to build trust and security. Thank goodness today it’s different. Wendy Kramer was one of the leaders in helping to open up the discussion on whether or not a child has the right to know about his/her origins and this query inspired her to create the Donor Sibling Registry.

The DSR is now the site I can refer my clients to so that they and their child can get the most updated research and information on using a donor to have a family, as well as help people find their donor relatives. This is sometimes a complicated pursuit filled with ups and downs from fear to excitement.

Wendy is the mom of a son conceived through a donor and this book personalizes the process. She explains her story though parenting a donor-conceived child and always keeping her son’s best interest in her mind and heart. She walks the reader through the doubts she experienced before meeting the donor and his family. Ultimately she describes the satisfaction and love she and her son found after meeting the biological relatives that helped make him. It's a must-read for those beginning the path of using a donor because Wendy Kramer and others who work in this field truly believe that the best we can do for our clients is to always promote openness and honesty despite the outcome.

"I loved reading your and Ryan’s story and the origins and journey of the DSR. It made all the work I’ve seen you do through the past 20 years so real and personal. Ryan is a very special addition gifted person and the way you parented him with such love and respect was inspiring to say the least. I can’t wait to recommend this book to my donor-recipient couples and single women that want to become moms. Thank you for all you do for the community."  
— Harriette Rovner Ferguson, LCSWR 

"A much-needed resource for parents and children in families created by donor conception. The author, Wendy Kramer, has a wealth of experience and a real understanding of the needs of donor conception families. This book will foster curiosity and inspire conversations in families where children want to learn more about their donor origins and connections." 
— Dr. Tabitha Freeman, Centre for Family Research, University of Cambridge

"As a psychotherapist, I work with many LGBT parents of donor-conceived children who struggle to find the right language to speak to their children about the circumstance of their birth. They are also often afraid that learning about their donors and potential donor siblings will be upsetting or confusing to their children. Finally, I have a book to recommend to them! Your Family: A Donor Kid's Story is the perfect combination of honest, loving, and positive. I am keeping a pile of copies in my office." 
— Liz Margolies, LCSW, psychotherapist and mother of a donor-conceived child

"Your Family: A Donor Kid's Story is a wonderful book that affirms the experience of children who have been donor-conceived. It's important for families to have a book like this to read to their kids so that their children can understand who they are and where they came from. Wendy Kramer's book is long overdue!" 
— Jacqueline Mroz, author of Scattered Seeds: In Search of Family and Identity in the Sperm Donor Generation

"Your Family gives children born from egg or sperm donation a chance to see themselves reflected in a positive, informative, and accessible story. Most importantly, this book will help families who have used reproductive technology to explain complex concepts to their children while giving them vital information about themselves and how they came to be. Here’s a book that is relatable and will allow children to feel proud of their special story." 
— Susan Frankel, MFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and mother to a donor-conceived daughter

"A lovely book for children who were conceived with donor sperm or egg. Parents in all kinds of families will find it very helpful in explaining their child’s conception story in a gentle, simple, and positive way." 
— Jane Mattes, L.C.S.W., psychotherapist and Founder/Director of Single Mothers by Choice

"Your Family: A Donor Kid's Story fills a noticeable gap in LGBTQ family books. While others have discussed how we make our babies, Your Family: A Donor Kid's Story takes the next step in addressing what can often be an elephant in the room for our families. The existence of donor siblings, and how to navigate those relationships, is deeply personal and family-specific. For those who are looking for a way to help their children understand the breadth of their biological relationships, Your Family: A Donor Kid's Story does an incredible, age-appropriate job at laying the framework in an interactive, light-hearted way." 
— Amanda Hopping-Winn, Chief Program Officer, Family Equality Council

September 2013: New Family Trees: Lessons from the Donor Sibling Registry's First Decade, William Heisel
September 2013: New Family Trees: Five Ways to Reform Fertility Medicine, William Heisel
March 2014: Center for Genetics and Society, Diane Beeson