Resources
Free 1st Counseling Session
As we are all maneuvering through uncharted territory, I believe that good counseling can have an important place in the “re-defining” of family that often times catches us by surprise.
Over the years, I have heard some disturbing accounts of DSR parents, donors and offspring being counseled by therapists who do not at all seemed well versed or experienced in the intricacies or the potential complications (and joys) of donor families looking to form or deciding to connect somewhere later on down the line. This is why the DSR has set aside some funding to help with members who would like counseling, but haven’t yet reached out for assistance.
Just a few of the issues that I see on a regular basis:
- Maneuvering through the issues of disclosure, a child’s right to know, and when and how to tell
- Couples or single moms deciding to use donor insemination and wondering about open or anonymous donors
- How to move forward in connecting with a half sibling’s family (or many families)
- Donors- how to move forward with connecting when your familiy members may not know of your donations or may not approve of your reaching out to your genetic offspring (and how to deal when there are many of them)
- Non-biological parents who may be feeling uncomfortable with their children reaching out to biological relatives
- Parents/donors/offspring coming together from different socio-economic/political/sexual orientation/religious backgrounds who need assistance in moving forward in the most healthy way possible
- For donor conceived people- how to cope when you have a burning desire to know your genetic/ancestral history
- Helping to make the distinction between privacy and secrecy in the families we connect with
- Feeling like having a therapist actually there for a first meeting would be important
The issues and challenges of forming and re-defining family are just limitless.
We work with a counselor who is a psychotherapist as well as a mother of a teenager born from donor insemination. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and serves as Clinical Supervisor at the TALK Line Family Support Center in San Francisco and is also a certified mediator. She has extensive personal and professional experience with donor children and their parents. She is most interested in providing consultations to parents interested in exploring issues related to donor insemination and to help families make well informed decisions. Please contact Wendy if you have any questions or are interested in a free 50 minute phone conseling session.
Trying to Decide Which Sperm Bank to Use?
Trying to Decide Which Sperm Bank to Use? I can give my impressions as to which sperm banks I think are more receptive to the needs of donor families. Feel free to contact me. wendy.kramer@yahoo.com. Below are comprehensive listings of Donor Sibling Registry members' personal sperm bank experiences (gathered from our two Yahoo message groups plus personal email messages). This should make it easier to research specific sperm banks, by actually seeing comments from people who have had positive or negative experiences with them. Please note: Per the User Agreement, this is copyrighted material and may not be reproduced elsewhere.
Biogenetics
Can Am Cryobank
Califonia Cryobank (CCB)
Cleveland Clinic
Cryogenic Laboratories (CLI)
Cryobiology
Cryos International
East Bay Medical Clinic
Fairfax
Fertility Center of California
Follas (Genome Resources)
Genesis Fertility
Idant
International Cryogenics
New England Cryogenic Center
Nordic Cryobank (European Sperm Bank)
Northwest Andrology
Oregon Health & Sciences University
Options Fertility
Procreative Technologies
Pacific Reproductive Services
Rainbow Flag
Repository For Germinal Choice
Reprolab
Reproductive Resources
Repromed Ltd. (Canada)
Rochester Cryobank
Rocky Mountain Cryobank
Storkklink
Swedish Medical Center
The Sperm Bank of California
Tyler Medical Clinic
University of California
University of North Carolina
University of Utah
Xytex
Zygen
archived donor numbers
If you need to look up a donor number there is a website that you can try on: http://www.archive.org/. People can just type in their sperm bank's URL and it will list everything they have archived, including donor profiles. It's worth a try.
Our Yahoo discussion group also has some old donor files from various sperm banks( you must sign into Yahoo with your Yahoo username and password to gain access):
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/DonorSiblingRegistry/files/Donor%20lists/
Products
DSR BOOK Voices of Donor Conception Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame, includes first-person essays designed to take some of the stigma out of donor conception and enable more open conversation for families affected by donor insemination.
HOW TO TELL PROJECT- 4 Booklets Written by a parent of donor conceived young people and based on children’s developmental stages, the booklets provide parents with a source of emotional support and practical guidance in finding the right time and the right language to ‘tell’ and continue conversations with their children over the years.
There are separate booklets for parents of children at different stages. Issues covered: Anxieties about ‘telling’, Facing fears and overcoming them, The best age to start ‘telling’, Language to use for babies, little kids, bigger kids, teenagers and adults, How children’s development affects what they understand and how they respond, Talking with the school and family and friends, and Telling if a known donor has been used. The four booklets are now available to download from this web site:
http://www.donor-conception-network.org/tellandtalk.htm
The Infertility Network in Toronto has a huge inventory of books for adults & children (re: infertility, donor conception, adoption), books & videos for talking to children about donor conception, seminars & documentaries (on DVD, CD, tape) and more!www.infertilitynetwork.org
Our Partners in the GLBT Community
COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth, and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer (LGBTQ) parents. We build community and work toward social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy. www.colage.org 415-861-5437
Pike’s Peak Gay and Lesbian Community Center http://yourpridecenter.org/ Colorado Springs, CO
Proud Parenting www.proudparenting.com
Center on Halstead www.centeronhalsted.org Chicago, IL
William Way LGBT community Center www.waygay.org Philadelphia, PA
Southern Utah Pride Association http://www.southernutahpride.org/ St. George, UT
PA Diversity Network www.padiversity.org LeHigh Valley, PA
GLBT Center of Cincinnati http://www.glbtcentercincinnati.com Cincinnati, Ohio
Rainbow Flag Health Services http://www.gayspermbank.com/ San Francisco, CA
Lesbian Moms’ Network http://www.lmnetwork.org/ Ann Arbor, MI
Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples http://buddybuddy.com Seattle, WA
Links-DNA TESTING
Donor Semen Archive
Donor semen is required by law to be tested for some infectious diseases – but not all of the ones known to be transmissible in semen are tested. Some sperm banks test for genetic diseases like cystic fibrosis – but they are not required to, and the tests cannot detect all of the mutations that cause the disease. And as medicine evolves, new genetic tests and new infectious agents are discovered with each passing year. This company also does full service DNA tsting for DSR members at a lower cost.
http://www.caymanchem.com/cabri/
Three Sample letters to clinics, doctors and sperm banks to help aquire more information:
Sample # 1:
Dear (Sperm Bank),
I was inseminated in 1986 via your office and am delighted to have the chance to thank you again for your help in conceiving my precious son, who now is 18. Through a bit of detective work, I recently was able to find you.
When I called to let your office know that I was pregnant, I received some information about the sperm donor, but it was very limited. My son very much would like to know more. Basically, all we know about the donor is his height and coloring. Now that I have found you, I'm not quite sure how best to phrase this letter so that I don't come across as someone who wants to violate the donor's privacy. Of course, my son and I would like to meet him - if that is an option. But, our primary interest is in learning more about the donor's ancestry, looks, talents and interests. We would also like some sort of medical history and an approximation of how many pregnancies were conceived using this donor.
Any help you can give us would be tremendously appreciated. The keys to have my son's genetic identity are in your hands.
Sincerely,
Sample #2
Dear Dr. (Name),
I conceived two children through artificial insemination by donor sperm with your help, my daughter in 1988 and my son in 1991. I have been trying to get you to give me my donor number and the lab that you purchased the specimens from for a few years now, but so far my attempts have been unsuccessful. I really feel that I need to have this information, as my son is autistic, plus I need to see what else might be on the donor's side as far as medical history. Certain conditions can run in certain families. Medical histories can be passed from generation to generation, and my children are entitled to have access to that part of their life. They can avoid the things that may be present in the history by knowing about them in advance and taking precautions necessary in that situation.
This is something that should have been given to me years ago without me having to ask or beg for it. It is non-identifying information that is available to all recipients of donor sperm (I have talked to a lot of people who have used a donor to become pregnant and none of them have had this problem of the doctor not wanting to give them their number and/or place of purchase), and I feel I am being prejudiced against by you not making it available to me and my children. I am only asking for a donor number and the sperm bank or lab used, I will contact them to see if they still have a history on file. They will gladly give me a history as long as I have a number. My children's doctor even feels that I am entitled to this information, and he has recently given me information on who to contact for help if this request is not met by you or your clinic.
Please give this request your utmost consideration and send me my donor number and where the specimen came from. Perhaps you did not use a sperm bank but used a college student instead and have no donor number. I still would like to know if this is the situation. You should have access to the information in your archives or in my medical file that is kept off-site. Thank you very much for helping me and my children with this matter. You may contact me by phone, e-mail, or snail mail. I expect to hear from you shortly.
Sincerely,
Sample #3
(Have a lawyer put this version on their legal firm's letterhead for more of an impact factor.)
As a matter of record, {Name of Patient} completed and submitted a written request to receive a copy of the medical records that you maintain in (his/her) name on (date.) Inasmuch as this request complied with applicable law, including the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA), you are legally obligated to respond to this request.
For purposes of clarity, {Name of Patient} is requesting a copy of all medical records relating to the patient care, fertility treatment, and endocrinology evaluation that you have performed. This includes the name of the corporation or institution that provided the donor semen, along with the anonymous donor number assigned by that entity to identify the human source of this product.
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